Looking to take up collecting stuff?

I’ve thought about starting a collection before. Things like, I dunno, shot glasses, maybe moose, mooses? meese? or something of the like. Maybe anything to do with Notre Dame. I used to have a pretty good collection of CD’s, but that’s not really that big of a deal anymore with digital media so readily available with iTunes (and other less legal substitutes that I will neither acknowledge nor deny using).

I Googled for collections that other people have. Nothing too outlandish. Well, okay there are, but I’m not going to start a toilet cover seat museum or anything even like that. Then I found a guy who collects nails. Never thought about starting a collection of nails. Suppose I could though. Would you want bent ones, or just the straight ones? Are rusty nails okay to be in the collection? Either way, if I did start a collection of nails, I’d want a bunch of them, like a garage full of coffee cans with each one just chock full of the goodness of nails.

What do you need a nail box for? Don’t you have any old coffee cans? No empty #10 cans of liquid nacho cheese laying around? Well, nevermind. If your nail collection fits in that box, I’m going to have you beat in the first week! You can’t simply have a collection of nails that small. It’s not a collection, it’s more of a gathering of nails if they’re in a box.

Well there’s the problem. You aren’t handy looking at all! Do you even know what a nail does? That manly man look you’re going for isn’t deceiving us mister. You sir, are impersonating a man with intimate nail knowledge. I for one call BS, for I believe with those flowers, those curtains and what seems to be the spout of a silver teapot in your house like that, you don’t even know which end of the hammer does the pounding and which end does the pulling! Amateur.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… Well those aren’t nails! They look like little dried up beans. You tard! You don’t even know the difference between a nail and a bunch of dry beans. I told you he was an amateur! There you have it, the proof. I will now have the greatest nail collection in all the world, because I’m competing against a nincompoop. My first step toward world domination has been taken. Back away bean boy!

Oh man, those aren’t beans! Those are fingernails you nutjob! What kinda weirdo collects fingernails? Damn… I’m kinda perturbed by this turn of events, I’m not afraid to tell you. How long have you been kinda crazy fella? Here I am thinking I can just start a nail collection and you go and throw me a huge curveball… What is wrong with you? I mean you can do that if you want, but why are you sharing it ONLINE?

I get it, I just checked your site… yeah, you’re not right at all. It’s not fingernails, it’s finger and toenails, and according to your site you’ve been collecting them since 1983!? Holy cow man, I don’t know if I’m grossed out by this or really just kind of in awe that you have a collection you started 23 years ago and have kept up with, even if it is a bit strange… What on earth would you save your finger and toenails for?

Oh c’mon now! Now you’re just trying to get a rise out of people. This was your goal the whole time? Look at me, I’ll stick my tongue out and pretend I’m gonna put it in a box of finger and toenail clippings I’ve been collecting since 1983! Do you dare me? Do ya? Do ya? Okay funny guy, you win. Whew… sure sent us for a loop! I was scared you were gonna do it! Do you see me shakin’ in my boots?

I can see that this guy is NOT who I have to worry about, were I to start a collection of nails. One, he doesn’t even collect NAILS, he collects, well, nails. Two, he gets off on giving other people the willys. Well, duh, I can do that too… I choose not to because, well, that would be mean. I mean really, what pride you must give your grandmother who checks in on your teapot and your collection only to find pictures of you fake tonguing (is that a word?) your box of nails. Ick man. Just ick.

Wow… Didn’t see that coming. I mean, I just never really thought you would do it. Hell, I never thought anyone would do it. Either part, the collecting or the tonguing, I have to say. But you did, didn’t you? Stuck your tongue in a little box of toe and fingernail clippings you’ve been saving since 1983. Well… certainly sir, you are something else. I have words that I would use, but I don’t think I want to write them out given that many of them are demeaning and I’m trying to be the bigger man here. I mean, all I wanted was to find someone with a strange collection, I didn’t go looking for a full blown Whackaloon!

See, now that serves you right! You have finger and toenail bits in your beard! Grandma’s proud now! And why are you grinning bigger now than you were in the first picture? I’ve seen that grin before. I saw it on a guy who shit his pants, I mean actually left, uhhhmmm, a deposit in his underwear bank, in a crowded cafeteria just to see if someone would tell him he stunk.

Not cool, guy, not cool at all. Kinda creepy really.

The photos above were taken for the man in the picture, Will Chatham. Will has his own website chronicling the collection of finger and toenails, and yes, it really has been going since 1983. When you check out Will’s site, be sure to check out the disclaimer just above the Contact Me link… since many of you won’t, allow me to recap it for you here:

“Note: I have received hate mail from this page. If you take this too serisouly, you need to get out more often.”

Really Will, ‘cus I was just thinking that about you…

KSH