Archive for the ‘WTF?’ Category

Turtle Humping & The Ladies of Beantown

For the record, the desire to comment extensively on both of these pictures was very hard to resist, I promise you…

hjkh

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But that’s hardly newsworthy, right? They’re perfect. They aren’t doctored, they’re just quick moments that scream to be shared.

More newsworthy? How about that I’m digging the cute NPR addicted Obama Mama redhead who sent them to me because she thought I’d enjoy the subtle juvenile humor… good work I say! I’ve got something I been meaning to give her since the last time we hung out. We’ll call it a trade.

😉

FYI, the original title of this post, “Hookers and Turtle Porn” was changed once I considered the searches it’d show up on and the disappointed looks on those one handed typers when they got to these pics!

KSH

Dream World

Rarely do I have dreams that I remember… well, rarely do I have dreams that I remember that aren’t foretelling in someway. I’m sure I dream like everyone else as far as frequency, but usually they don’t resonate in my head long enough to remember them.

This is not one of those dreams. It’s a completely garbled tangle of absurdity, which I will layout for you now. Below is my original description of last nights befuddlement.

For some reason I was in WalMart on Election Day. I was hanging out with a bunch of people from work and I guess we thought we had to go to WalMart to vote. Well, we get there and turns out the local Wally World was not the polling place. It was the Best Buy across the street. It was obviously late in the night as we ran across five lanes of traffic and along another parking lot to get to the Best Buy before they closed. We got there and were pounding on the doors yelling for them to let us in so we could vote.

Finally the cat at Best Buy felt bad for us and let us in, but all the lights were off so we had to be walked over the to the plasma screens by hand and get voting instructions on how to vote in the dark. Then when we finished, I handed my little hand held voting machine to a guy I recognized from my days out west, and who I know lives in California. Well of course we struck up a conversation and the people behind me started getting antsy because they were sure their votes weren’t going to get counted.

Now how is that for odd? Presidential polling at WalMart? Rushing to vote before the store closes? Being let in by a flippin’ cat?

I don’t have a clue about the meaning of this dream.

I can tell you I was aware it was weird while it was happening. I was somewhat in control because I remember the hand-held voting thing changing shape from the first time I looked at it and the way it looked when I handed it over to my friend from California. I wouldn’t say I was lucid, but I remember influencing the dream a little, though I’m not sure why or to what extent that control actually reached. Let’s face it, I was trying to vote at WalMart and I talked a cat into opening the door at Best Buy… Crazy what the mind can do.

Any deep ideas from the peanut gallery?

I personally think I got too much sleep.

Have to fix that.

KSH

Yield for Stupid

I don’t TRY to be an assbag, I just happen to be good at it when prompted…

Friday night I broke my glasses. My fault, I set them on the dash of the truck and took a corner and then whoosh, out the corner they went. Ok. Won’t be doing that again.

Today I make my way to the local Wally World to get my exam and new pair of glasses ordered. So far so good, a rather pleasant day and I ended up paying like $68 bucks for a $300 pair of glasses. And then I left, which is where the fun started.

Here, like every Wally World I would imagine, there are three striped pedestrian crossing zones, with a yield sign at each end, each one about fifty feet long. When I made it to the yield sign, there was no one in the pedestrian crossing and no one walking at a pace that I judged as putting them in the “Danger Zone” coming in or out. If they were breathing adults with half a brain they could see me and for their own safety stop as to not be run over by the big red truck. I’m cruising through the zone at all of like three miles an hour and, I shit you not, with not FIVE feet left in the crossing zone, when I drive past a couple (who I can best describe as a pear and a pixie stick embodied) and then I watch in my rear view mirror as the pear gives me the finger and starts jawing. Oh, you want to play… ok.

Now, what I should have done was just laugh it off. But, well, I didn’t.

Screech! You can squelch tires to a halt even at a snails pace. I put the car in park, and hop on out and ask in what I consider a pretty mellow tone for having just been given the bird, “Is there a problem?”

“You didn’t f*ckin’ see me? You almost f*ckin hit me. You could have stopped, it’s PEDESTRIAN crossing, you prick. You sonofabitch! What a stupid f*ck!” she spouts off through her toothless mouth to me and looking to her man for reassurance that his ass was up to cashing the check her mouth was about to write. For the record, he looked straight ahead like aww shit, not again.

“Yeah, it’s pedestrian crossing with a yield sign, waaaaaay ass back there, and when I yielded, there were no pedestrians. That means I can go. See how this works? It’s not real complicated when you think about it.”

Apparently she did not see how this works, or she wasn’t able to think about it and proceeded to let me know all of the things I could do to myself sexually, some of which I think are actually impossible, but interesting all the same. Allllllllrighty then…

“So is it my fault you couldn’t waddle your fat ass up here any quicker or is it my fault for misjudging your momentum and your ability to stop when you saw the MOTOR F*CKING VEHICLE coming?” I ask, still maintaining more of a smartass tone than a dickhead one.

Now her scrawny man decides to let me know, “You can’t talk to a lady like that!”

I continue being a smartass and take an exaggerated look around 360 degrees, then back at the woman who appears to be smuggling ham hocks in her sweatpants, you know the one with a mouth like a sailor, and let him know, “I know you aren’t talkin’ ’bout her. SHE gives ME the finger and starts shoutin’ about how I effin’ this and I effin’ that, I’ll speak how I’m spoken to, understand? If a lady shows up, I’ll bite my tongue and I’ll probably be the only one.” Oops, a little dickhead came out.

“I got your license plate,” she pipes up, now doing a little head bobbing and hand waving.

“Good. Call the cops. Maybe they’ll give me a ticket for you being f*ckin’ stupid, but since it’s private property don’t get your hopes up. Jesus… I hope to f*ck you haven’t bred, this place already has more stupid than it can handle.” I finish as I shake my head and get back into the truck listening to her spew more things unsuitable for print. As I drive away I wave, with all my fingers, to the pear and the pixie stick and the greeter who has made his way out of the building to see what’s happening.

Just goes to further my belief that Wally World might actually be the downfall of civilization as we know it and is certainly a gathering site for local inbreds.

Which is why I try really, really, REALLY hard not to shop there.

KSH

Twisted, Part Deux

Here’s another collection of things I liked as I was stumbling around the net. It’s got all your basic internet groups, Fake Motivation Posters, Transformers, Christopher Walken, Religion, Fat Guys, Star Wars, Current Events, Web Comics, you name it.

Don’t worry, I’m working on an actual written post chock full of my take on a couple things, which I am sure you will enjoy. Until then, enjoy yourself some lifted material.

Can your brain explode if stuff is too simple?

You have to hand it to the guy, he’s aware of what’s going on in his world. Does anyone else want to give him “bonus points” for looking like a garden gnome come to life?

I have friends who after seeing this may be unable to withstand the urges of self pleasure.

“War is sent by God” Good to know. Thanks.

Love it.

It says:

The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree… yeah, makes perfect sense.

Well, any questions?

My absolute favorite from today’s offerings. You can totally see her pulling it off. You almost expect her to reach up and wipe the sweat from her brow before plowing back into the jam.

I know as much as you do, and unfortunately I still can’t explain this. Is that lipstick? Why is the left bosom getting all the love? Set the toy gun down and grab hold of both your fun bags. Wanna feel bad? Someone took this picture OR a timer was set and this was the best he had. You know this was his profile pic on his new dating service membership…

Hey, when you lead the Autobots and turn into a tractor trailer, you’re hard to keep your hands off. We understand.

Still no questions?

Yes. Yes they should.

KSH

When Any Hole Will Do

This is direct from Toledo’s News Leader CBS 11, WTOL. If after reading this you decide you would like to see just what Mr. Price looks like, I’ll drop a link.

All I have to say is it must be a little warmer in Ohio…

Bellevue man facing charges for having sex with a table

BELLEVUE — Police say a man in Bellevue was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table.

Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.

The neighbor — who wishes to remain anonymous — saw Price walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole for the umbrella to have sex.

The most recent instance took place March 14, we’re told. A neighbor videotaped Price.

“The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table,” Johnson says.

Police say Price admitted to the crimes — four charges of public indecency. Usually these sorts of things are misdemeanors, but in this case, they are felonies.

“What boosts it up to a felony is that the statute says if it’s likely to be viewed by a minor,” Johnson explains.

The Price family did not want to talk with us, but neighbors did. Some are not happy Price was released on his own recognizance.

“He shouldn’t be allowed just for the fact that he could do that again — and nude that close to a school. That should be zero tolerance,” says Brice Jacobs, a neighbor.

Price is married with three school-aged children. Neighbors tell us they’re now worried about the kids.

“Hopefully it stays between the adults and the kids don’t get a lot of the information so they aren’t so cruel to the little kids,” says Emily Grote, a neighbor.

This case has police in this small town shaking their heads. “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes around,” Johnson says.

Hmmm. Can I get a holy shit? Thought so. Here is the WTOL original, complete with Mr. Price in his booking photo. As a side note, I believe a nickname such as “Toothpick Dick” or “Splinter Schlong” will be bestowed upon Art during his upcoming stay in the correctional facilty of the peoples’ choosing.

KSH

Twisted… but what’s wrong with that?

Chances are you’re going to see a lot of this stuff around the net if you do any sort of exploring. You’re going to laugh. You might even be ashamed at laughing because you know better. I mean you’re an adult but you just can’t help it. That’s why they are funny. Like I said, you’ll probably see them anyway.

May as well see ’em here.

Some link to larger images so if you can’t read it or make it out, try clicking it.

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KSH

Enraged in Rochester, NY

The following is direct from Dear Abby, an advice column that runs nationwide. This particular article ran on St. Patty’s Day. I read it at work and immediately had to start showing other people, because I am that guy.

Kind of makes you hope Abby got played. Well either Abby did or he did… you’ll see.

DEAR ABBY: I am 27, and my wife, “Marybeth,” is 26. We recently went to my folks’ house for supper. That evening a heavy snowstorm was starting and, because the trip home is 30 miles, we decided to stay overnight.

My old bedroom is upstairs, as are the rooms of my brothers, ages 25, 24 and 22. The guest room is downstairs. Because the room is quite small, and Marybeth said she felt a cold coming on, we decided I’d sleep in my old room.

The next day, while we were driving home, Marybeth told me she was glad I had come to her room after all and made love to her.

Abby, it wasn’t me! She had mistaken one of my brothers for me in the darkness. We are all about the same size and build.

I have talked to each of my brothers (they all know about this), but they won’t say who it was for fear of causing a rift between the guilty party and me. I told them that unless I find out who it was, there will be a permanent rift between all of us. (Marybeth still doesn’t know it wasn’t me.)

How do I handle this?

– Enraged in Rochester, N.Y.

DEAR ENRAGED: While you and your brothers may have a strong family resemblance, I find it hard to believe that you all smell, taste and make love like clones. So please do not accept as gospel that your wife didn’t have an inkling that it wasn’t you. As to who actually crept into her bed in your absence, if your brothers won’t reveal who the guilty party is, then they’re all equally guilty, and I wouldn’t blame you for severing ties with them.

It’s time to have a serious chat with your wife and get chapter and verse on what happened that night. Then she should be tested for STDs and treated if necessary.

It is possible for a couple to get past something like this, if you’re both willing to work at it. The shortest route would be with the help of a licensed family therapist.

Can I get a great big “WTF?” Did Abby really use “taste” as a distinguishing characteristic? Wow. Go Abby. My favorite part is his brothers in league to keep him in the dark.

Has to be fake, but it is clever.

KSH